Domestic Complaints

I hate my sheets.

Several years ago, really so long ago that I don't remember and would be embarassed to say if I did remember, we bought new sheets. We'd always had sheets, of course, like any ordinary people, but I think we had handmedown sheets or thrift store sheets or something. No, I'm sure we did not have thrift store sheets, because that just would not have been ok with me on a sanitary basis, even if I washed them, which I know is irrational, but there it is. But the point is: once we had sheets of unknown provenance, and then we bought new sheets.

Actually, I bought the sheets. S has never bought a sheet in his life. And I don't think I had either, until I bought the new sheets (the question of where we got the old sheets is still nagging at me, but I really don't think I bought them). I bought the new sheets at a sale, which is why I bought them, even though our old sheets were perfectly reasonable, and I bought two sets, which seemed extremely grown-up and responsible. I think my idea was that we would use one set and then put them in the laundry and use the other set. But in fact we are juvenile and irresponsible when it comes to sheets: we barely ever wash them, and when we do we just put them right back on the bed. So of the two sets I only opened one.

I loved those sheets. They were Ralph Lauren sheets (it was a sale, remember?) and they really were better than any sheets I'd ever slept in (later we got Garnet Hill flannel sheets for winter--on sale--and they were even better, but this was then). They were blue with a kind of floral paisley design and they were soft and comfortable and pretty, and eventually they wore out. Like: no more corner elastic. Like: holes. Like: I could no longer pretend to myself that these were acceptable sheets, even taking into account how juvenile and irresponsible we really are (this is making me remember a hilarious blues song some friends and I made up many years ago about sleeping with guys in beds where the bottom sheet always came off the corner of the bed and was full of grit and there was just a sleeping bag for a blanket and no top sheet at all--luckily we are no longer that juvenile and irresponsible, but still...).

Anyway, when my lovely blue paisley floral soft Ralph Lauren sheets wore out, I opened the other set. These are the sheets I hate. I have no idea why I bought them. The bottom sheet is gray. Gray? Who on earth would buy a gray sheet? The top sheet is gray and white striped. There are two gray pillowcases and two--can you even guess? is the suspense killing you?--gray and white striped pillowcases. They are the ugliest sheets in creation. But worse, so much worse, is that they are not soft. They are kind of rough, kind of itchy, kind of not pleasant at all, especially when it is hot, and it has been hot (but now it is not so hot in the sheets because S got us an air conditioner for the bedroom, but still...). Not only that, but they pull off the sides of the mattress no matter how often I tuck them in. They are the hell of sheets. I hate them.

OK, you're saying to yourself, you reasonable reader out there, why doesn't she just go out and get new sheets? She is obviously a person of sufficient means; she just got an air conditioner, for goodness sake. Just go to the store, you want to tell me, or even to the Garnet Hill website, sale page if you will, and put yourself and the sheets out of your mutual misery, because surely if you are so unhappy with the sheets, the sheets cannot possibly be happy with you.

Yes, I should, but the thing is, we don't have a bedroom right now. We are sleeping in E's bedroom, and E is sharing M's bedroom. We need to build a bedroom for us (now you're wondering who's we, white man--obviously not me [yes, I see your vigorous nods, those of you who know me in person], but a bedroom must be built). I don't know what color the bedroom will be. And I want my new sheets to match my new bedroom in some way, so that...well, after yesterday's post I just don't want to go any further with discussion of the perfection of my bed, but I would like to love my sheets again, and unfortunately I am the kind of superficial person who could fall out of love with my sheets if they do not look good in my bedroom. Then again, I suppose I could buy some sheets and then paint the bedroom to match them...

Or, I could just complain about hating my sheets.

[I was going to continue with complaints about the cute little USELESS dustpan, brush, toilet brush and plunger we bought at Target that DO NOT WORK, but I think I've spent myself on the sheets, so to speak.]